Good morning Doll babies!
Today’s the day dedicated to the dolls who know how important it is to be more than pretty (on the outside). Sometimes what we all need is a word of encouragement to change our perspective. If you’d like to write in and be featured on next weeks Letter to the Mob write us at firstname.lastname@example.org and check back next Tuesday for replies!
On to Girl Talk!
Today has been the worst day of my life. I read the letter to the mob last week and it made my letter seem quite dismal but I had to talk to someone who I know would be honest and not protect my feelings. I am 29, single, with no kids. None of which I’m particularly happy about, but I have issues. Not your normal issues like what to wear to works, which lipstick to wear, or who I want to date. Deep seeded issues that have followed me from my childhood.
I was a victim of abuse for the 2 years that mother was married to the mistake she called her husband. And because it happened for so long and I was never rescued I felt a sense of helplessness that traveled with me now for more than 10 years. I love my mother but my current feelings don’t equate to that of the love a daughter. I’d like to have children but I’d first need to be able to love and trust a man in order to have the family I truly want.
After talking to my mother on the phone this morning my heart became so heavy. I sorta touched on how her husband ruined me [facts of life] and she over looked it and almost ignored me like she did when I was a little girl. Her refusal to recognize that I was hurt….and on her watch, really drains me of any hope that things will get better. To add to a bad day, I had a meeting today and I was less than satisfied with my work, which has me questioning whether or not I’m in the right field.
I guess my question is- I know change is required in order for me to be happy but can people change?
I look forward to your responses…
Shweew! Today’s letter is not as cut and dry as our first date debacle of last week but we can handle it!
To our ‘Broken Doll’. Thank you for trusting us with your pain. I will remain mindful of your experiences and would never make light of your situation but I am obligated to give it to you real. As always if you are offended by my response feel free to drop me a line and we can chat it out.
I’ll touch on the office disappointment first.
After all the business meetings subside, the phone quiets down, the cameras stop rolling, kids go to bed, and you finally have a moment of nothingness; if you’re anything like me, while your body rests….your mind runs wildly. Quickly and sometimes harshly reviewing the tasks that kept you oh so busy. Regretfully listing the things you could’ve done, the things you should’ve said or kept to yourself (in my case).
Regardless of your profession, family situation, weekly schedule etc. the “self review” is inevitable. We tell ourselves it’s the only way to correct our mistakes. But what we really seem to do is maximize the bad therefore making it memorable and almost embarrassing in hopes we never allow it to happen again.
Like most ….I am my own biggest critic. But unlike most (I assume) I had the tendency of being stuck in critic mode. That was until I realized I was constantly hurting me more than I was helping. I focused on the bad things for so long as time passed those were the memories that stuck out most. Even though I enjoyed the birthday party, shopping trip, or vaca I didn’t give them much mental time so when it was time to retrieve memories the bad one’s which made me feel less than are the only ones I could reach quickly and clearly.
I said that to say, it’s okay to honestly review your work. It’s never okay to focus primarily on the mistakes. I have days where I wonder if I’m on the right path. I can almost promise you that we are not alone….BUT please don’t allow a bad self review to rock your entire world. I challenge you to go back to the work you reviewed and review it again, this time for things you did right. Things you’d like to do again and make that a habit. The critic in you may come more easily because she’s had more practice, but now it’s time to build up the supporter in you. Practice makes perfect.
Next, Let me start off by saying I am sorry that you had to go through what you did as a child and it breaks my heart that you have carried that pain around for over 20 years.I also thank you for allowing the mob to get so close to your pain by sharing your story with us. Who knows, someone could be going through something similar and wasn’t comfortable enough to reach out. Because, this issue is so deeply rooted and involves feelings of disappointment regarding your mother that you’re still dealing with and very much affected by, I’d have to suggest that you also talk to someone other than the mob. A professional. I’m the first to say I have a long road ahead of me before I’m labeled as such lol. That’s not going to stop me from giving you my 2cents. As a matter of fact I guess that was apart of my 2cents.
Now, In my experience with people……while they can change…..I don’t think it’s as easy as waking up wanting to be different. The “easiest” changes made are those which come without a big decision. For example the things you went through as a child, changed you. Not because you woke up and said I want to be different, but because you had experienced things that either added and/or took away pieces of you. That happens with everyone. The good thing about that is…..even though it’s not easily done…with work.. change possible.
This is something you’re probably not going to want to hear but I’m obligated to tell you. The first step in any healing process =forgiveness…
It’s hard to tell you to forgive the man who took your innocence and tied a bag of self doubting bricks to your back, so I can only imagine how hard it will be for you to accept that this is necessary. Does he deserve to be forgiven. Hell no. I have a long mental list of the things he deserves, prison being the last….. but everything on the list before that makes prison look like day care. Look at it this way holding on to negativity like that is like drinking poison waiting on it to kill your offender. Think about it. That hate you harbor for this pig (no longer worthy of the title “man”) and the disappointment you feel when it comes to your mother is eating at you constantly and has been for a long time. You have to let that go.
Now, it’s time to make new memories. When you have an enjoyable day with people you care about…write it down, take pics, talk to friends about it etc. One day you’ll look back and the bad tings you held onto for so long will be at the bottom of a pile of beautiful moments you made.Decide today to live in the right moment. We all have bad days, days we want to forget and wish never happened. But we tend to allow those times to take up more if not most of our mental/emotional space. The next time you allow yourself to dwell on a negative moment think about this:
Your mind/soul/heart is your home. The more bad days you hang on the walls of your home, the more mistakes you allow to be your entertainment for the night, the more you clutter your house with packed disappointments from the past…the less you’ll want to be there, the less likely other people will want to frequent there, and the less time you’ll be able to hold on the goodness of life. In other words Get your house in order baby.
Encouragement starts with us. I’ve always said anything you give to someone else you must give to you. Make it a habit of lifting yourself up and thinking of all the positive possibilities. If what G.B Shaw said about creating ourselves is right (which I tend to agree) we are only a product of our circumstances until we realize we have power over the outcome.
In closing……….We are so much more than our mistakes and we can’t blame ourselves for other people’s even when we’re caught in the cross fire. Your mother has to first face the fact that she let you down and ultimately failed you if only for 2 years, before she can have that conversation you’ve been longing for and then she has to forgive herself before she can look to you for forgiveness. Will your mother take responsibility for what happened to you? It’s possible but you can’t base your healing on someone else’s. Not even your mothers. It was her responsibility to protect you then….but now, as a woman with a desire to have a family of your own….. It’s your responsibility to take care of you. AND no one will do it like you will.
There are times we allow ourselves to believe that the pain is the only thing that is real. Bc it sticks around longer, or is felt “deeper”, and harder to get rid of than the good stuff. But I’m here to tell you baby, you’re not broken and I never want you to label yourself like that again. Your strength and resilience is so admirable! And the fact that you want to be better, and that you want to change let’s me know that that learned helplessness you suffered from (which is a very real thing) doesn’t have a hold on you today like you think it does.
Can people change? Yes it’s possible. Do people change? Not in every case. Do I think you can change? Most definitely. & hopefully it starts today!
So dolls, what’s your take on today’s letter to the mob? Can people change?