Greetings Doll Babies!
I’ve decided to play catch up since I’ve made up my mind to do absolutely nothing today. Well, I like to think I have that type of power over my schedule but to be real the most I can say with confidence is I have nothing planned and so I’ve decided today will be a day of posting.
As with every post (especially Girl Talk) I reserve my right to speak on any and everything so sayeth The Mob. I don’t know about you but every day brings about different emotions, challenges and as Oprah would say “aha!” moments for me and that’s what this blog is about. Recognizing the things about yourself that you find to be beautiful, fixing or letting go of the things you don’t like, and learning to be proud of and appreciate how far you’ve come. Not just in our appearances, although we’re a stunning bunch with an arsenal of beauty and fashion wisdom between us, but our mentalities and our hearts. Call me a hippie, but what and how we think and feel is just as important as the lovely color of rouge we’ve painted on our lips AND yes even that bad (in a good way) Balmain blouse you were lucky enough to put on your back today (and y’all know how I feel about my Balmain). It’s important.
Anyway not to worry, for my fashion/beauty only mobbies (I don’t condone the behavior but *sips tea* that’s none of my business) I did a couple outfit designs last night before bed: Nude Berry Splash and Most Likely to shine and I will continue to post randomly throughout the day as long as my schedule permits. BUT FIRST on our agenda today dun du duuuh (that’s the trumpets sounding) GIRL TALK.
Topic of discussion:
The Death of Intolerance
While at first glance today’s topic is a little more morbid than usual, I’m taking it to a good place. Promise!
Before we murder it, it’s only right to get to know the fella….
|synonyms:||bigotry, narrow-mindedness, small-mindedness, illiberality, parochialism,provincialis|
Some of those synonyms make it hard to admit this next one lol but what the hey….. today’s Girl Talk wasn’t grabbed from a convo at a bar, a letter from a Doll, or lectures, or anything else. This one is all me. Let me tell you why…maybe you can relate.
I had gotten to a point in my life where having standards was everything to me. “Stand for something or fall for anything”. I felt that my standards defined the person I was. If I allowed you to get close to me and I felt that you couldn’t meet this criteria…or you didn’t posses enough of the necessities I had on this mental list of mine(sometimes not so mental list DONT JUDGE ME)…then I was a failure. Worse than that….I was settling and settling was excepting failure.
For instance, my adult life isn’t filled with too many good good girlfriends. I’m starting to realize it’s my fault. Can I post a picture on fb and get a bunch of likes……yea. But when it comes to people I’ve allowed to actually get to know who I am, be near my pain, and apart of my lasting memories there are soooo few. I can’t (or shouldn’t) say how few because some of the folks on the other end of those Facebook likes probably think they’ve made the cut lol and we’re not here to break any hearts BUT you get the point. FEW.
People used to think I was stuck up because I was attractive and stayed to myself. And I guess you could say in a way I was. But not because I felt I was better than anyone but because I felt I was different. The things the typical pretty girls did/said weren’t my cup of tea. I was way too…………way too…………..me for the highly intelligent bunch. Not hood enough for the hoodies and more on the spiritual side than religious so not really “church people” material. It seemed everyone had a place they could go, be themselves, and fit in. Except me. Again, if I tried I could go twirl my hair around my finger tips with the pretty girls….but I didn’t think I should have to try. Hold that thought. I promise I’m getting some where.
I didn’t know it then but that frame of mind plus my “people aren’t human” standards would really shape my perceptions and attitudes in a way that would harm me far more than it helped. I got frustrated with being different and it made me resent those people who seemed to be the same. The people who fit in and since that was just about everybody….. I gave up. I decided to stop putting up with or taking people’s mess. What mess? Oh just general mess, any mess at all which also became known as flaws.
I had standards, alright. It seemed fair enough that I held myself to the same standards as I held other people to. I always said you don’t deserve anything that you don’t have to offer…..If I could be this type of friend, lover, sister, daughter, student, business woman, etc. then it’s fine for me to require the exact same of you. Right? Right????
Well as I get older my mind is changing about alot of things.
Back then, I recognized that I was different and swore I’d only except people who weren’t conforming to or settling for social norms…..I wasn’t about to be getting involved with the cliche pretty girls, not bible thumping with the church folks, not ridin’ through the hood with the homies, and no study groups with the “nerds”. I was an island and I was with it. Or was I. Wasn’t I looking for people who were just like me….just not like them?
If different was what I sought after; if finding people who were okay with being different was my mission ……wouldn’t I have to be okay with being different first?
It’s one thing to proud of who you are and to believe in or stand for something without wavering. I still believe standards and goals are the things that distinguish a woman worth having from the little girl dying to be had. However, it is an entirely different thing to shut people/things out or quickly judge them because the way they see the world is different from what I’m looking at.
I mentioned earlier that I didn’t think I had to try to fit in with the pretty girls etc….although I’m sure I could and I’m sure they wondered why I didn’t. And even after my epiphany I believe I shouldn’t have to try to fit in or conform but…
My mission is not to be like them but to accept the fact that they are not like me and release the fear that they’ll judge me if I am myself. I mean maybe they will, bc everyone isn’t as enlightened as us(sarcastically put) lol, but if they do that’s on them.
As the year comes to a close I’m doing my usually self evaluation and while I can pat myself of the back for being motivated and driven this year when it came to school or business. I kinda sucked when it came to enjoying people’s company. No only bc I was busy but mainly because my perception of things had me a bit withdrawn. I had a second to look at and gained a little more appreciation for the love around me.
Oh I love Beyonce, and I sing “I woke up like this” with conviction and attitude, but the truth is I’m alot to deal with. I’ve been broken, I’ve had quite a few falls, I don’t always react the way I should, beyond passionate about things, and as I said my “gimme 50 feet game” (keeping people away from me) is waaaaaay strong, but there are still people who over look that and all the other walls I’ve built for protection over the years and constantly and continuously love me. If they had the intolerant spirit I had been carrying around for all these years I wouldn’t be the woman I am today because I’m no where without love in my life.
This year is coming to a close and I’m not on that “New Year, New Me” kick…not that I’m knocking those who are, simply because I’m finally getting to a point where I am in love with the woman that I am becoming. So instead…. I’m making it my business to kill the intolerance that’s “protected” me for so long.
I will stop being so focused on people’s mess and find people’s goodness, stop using an impossible list to make judgement calls on who to let in, and live. Because intolerance is a choice, everyone has mess (even…….no especially me) and I was fooling myself believing that that was the only way to live a meaningful life.
In closing, HAVE STANDARDS not only for yourself but for the people around you and never settle for anything less than a healthy environment/relationship.
But excepting that people are flawed and more importantly flawed differently than you is vital. It was hard to share this with you because when I think of intolerance I think of bullies. People who are holding signs up and yelling horrible things at homosexuals, people who hate people for dating outside of their race, racists, sexist, anyone who hates someone else because they are different. The of it truth is, hate definitely includes intolerance on some level but you can be intolerant without hating anyone…..and to me that doesn’t make it feel any better.
To each’s own but as for me in dedication to and in appreciation of all the people who accept me being different and love me anyway I’m setting a mental torch to this old mental list and deciding that the spirit of fearing and rejecting things and people who aren’t like me, and who don’t understand me or vice versa lies here in this post. Will I be settling for any ol’ thing and fill my special moments, or vulnerable times with any ol’ body.
But I’ve made up in my mind what type of woman I’d like to be and what type of mark I’d like to leave on this world and now it’s time to put in the work. Enough doors close in our faces and enough people turn away from us without us adding to the bull. If you’re like me, opening yourself up and or putting yourself out there can be scary. But it’s mainly because your strength has gone to protecting yourself opposed to saving it and having the confidence that if it came down to needing protection…you’ve got you covered.
Intolerance may not mean hate but it definitely means missed opportunity…and I just realized I’ve been missing out!